I like doing the I Ching, so I did it the other night. I came upon the most amazing hexagram, solid lines at the top and the bottom with open lines in the center. Solid, yet open, I like that. And each trigram had a firm line in the center. That’s about all that needs to be said about that.

So many, so many things to write about, but maybe it will just suffice me to throw in a few quotes in order to get to the meat of this bad boy.

Nine in the second places refers to the “influence of a man’s inner being upon persons of kindred spirit…This is the echo awakened in men through spiritual attraction.” This both touched and then moved me.

But what brought me to a standstill was the information about six in the third place: “Here the source of a man’s strength lies not in himself but in his relation to other people. No matter how close to them he may be, if his center of gravity depends on them, he is inevitably tossed to and fro between joy and sorrow…this is the fate of those who depend upon an inner accord with other persons whom they love. Here we have only the statement of the law that this is so. Whether this condition is felt to be an affliction or the supreme happiness of love, is left to the subjective verdict of the person concerned.”  Can you guess what part has got my wheels turning?

I’d like to ask that you stop and think about those sentences for a minute. Check in with your first reaction. But then let it marinate, in parts and then as a whole. Do you think parts are desirable attributes? Are there pieces that are undesirable? Is your opinion of this based on pieces of those qualities you see in yourself, your partner, society’s opinions? I don’t know the answer, but I’m interested in others’ thoughts.

Now to set the context (as quickly as possibly- Jesus, this is already an essay) as to my reaction to this paragraph I’ll explain a bit about my history with what else…men. It has been hinted at, it has been said to me and it has been ignored for many years that I tend to “melt” into a man. That is, I tend to lose my personal identity in replacement for a “we” identity that, let’s face it, is solely based on the man and what he wants, or more accurately, my perception of what he wants. (Okay, so reading this back, I am fully aware that this isn’t a desirably quality to have, but if there is one trait that I will proudly possess, it is the fact that when I can and do see areas for improvement in myself, I am not ashamed to lay them on the table for all to see as I build from there.) Luckily, this revelation hasn’t hit me recently, but rather is something I have been working with for a time now. I can recognize it in my past and, in attempting to rectify it, see how I swung to the other extreme trying to avoid it. Hey that’s me, and my extremes. But, as with what usually seems to happen, I seem to be finding my way back to middle ground.

For so long I walked on eggshells, only fully inhibiting half of who I really was as a sacrifice for spending my time with someone who I wanted to be my “other half”. What crap! When that relationship ended, and I could begin to see it for what it was, I saw pieces of myself fighting fiercely in the opposite direction and therefore missing out on some pretty fabulous things just to be “my own person.” In addition, the person I was seeing specifically asked that I not hold back for fear that he might not like it. He said that if all of me didn’t work for him, it was more important to find that out earlier rather than later, and vice versa for me. For someone who doesn’t lolly gag with small talk for too long, as in I like to get right in there and go deeper, this was damn good advice. No need wasting time, not where I’m at in my life thank you very much! I digress…

So some of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is 1) the difference between being your own inner, solid, strong person who sways in harmony with those s/he loves vs. being willing to “change” for those s/he loves and 2) this notion that it doesn’t matter what my family thinks, it doesn’t matter what my friends think, it doesn’t matter what society ingrains, whether or not this “condition” is viewed as “supreme happiness” or an “affliction” is solely for me to decide.

I think there’s a lot more thinking to get to the answer, there’s definitely a lot more thoughts whirling around in my head, but that’s a good start.

What I find especially joyous, is that as I was rereading my email to her before I sent it, I was also thumbing my deck of I Ching cards. As I sat down to pull my two cards, I chuckled a bit and said out loud, “I don’t even need to do this, I am already confirmed that my decision is the correct one.” As I drew the first card, 33-Retreat, I had to laugh out loud…I knew it! As I drew the second card, 6- Litigation, and saw that my energy is changing at the 4th and 5th line, I felt the forces of every soul in every faith standing next to me confirming my steps, though for the first time maybe ever, I don’t need another living being to confirm my steps. My choice is 100% my choice and 100% correct.

And for those of you who are interested in things like the I Ching, read up on Retreat with energy changing at the 4th and 5th line, you’ll understand more of what I mean. Thanks for listening…

The email: “(Her’s) is a beautiful vision, but it is not mine. I have been very clear for many years now about what my life’s work is all about. I’m surprised I’ve never talked with you about this before, actually I apologize. More disturbing is that I haven’t thought about it for a very long time, when it used to be that I thought of it everyday as I walked into the doors of a classroom. You have given so much to helping me step into my role, but I’ve realized through prayer and listening for answers in these past few days that right now I am attempting to step into a role that my shoes are not meant to fill.

“My brother and I were speaking about the next steps in his life and in that conversation he said to me that not all tests are meant to confirm you in your work, some are actually meant to deter you from the wrong path. The I Ching says not to take every bit of information and try and analyze it, but rather take the parts that resonate most with you and move ahead with those. Those words of my brother, who wasn’t even speaking to my situation in the least, are resonating with me as if I am standing in a bell tower.  Though a week ago I said I would do this job of full time director- I told (the board), I told (the founder)and I told the staff, I have changed my mind for the last time. I would rather work many more years as a teacher, becoming a master teacher in the areas that build on my life’s work, than give 5 to 10 years to bringing to fruition another’s dream, no matter how beautiful it is, when doing that work does not bring me joy. Being an administrator at this school does not bring me joy. Being able to focus my attention 100% on the children in my class is the only joy that I want right now. Yes, I have career goals and ambitions, but they do not trump my life’s work. I would gladly never administrate another day in my life as long as I am able to contribute to the raising up of a generation of children that resort to peaceful conflict resolution as a means to attaining kinship with all mankind. The cause of Baha’u'llah, the prophet of the Baha’i Faith, is to work for the oneness of mankind. This is my forever work and I have discovered how to do that through my professional work.  I am perfectly satisfied with my part being small. Buddhism taught me that we each play our part no matter how grand or tiny. In these past few days I have been reminded that I do not need to own a school or run a school, not even one that is 100% focused on my life’s work, to be contributing my tiny but effective part to the cause of Baha’u'llah.”

I’ve had a revelation about myself in these past couple of weeks. I love lyrics. To those who know me, that’s no secret. Lately I’ve been listening to so many songs that have touched my heart through the years, yet I hear them in a new way. In almost every one I recognize longing, an almost unhealthy ache strapped to the core of a person. And as I recognize this longing and what it feels like for me to hear another speak of it, I realize that I have, for so long, felt like a victim, constantly pining for something that I was unable have but rightfully felt like I should have been able to. The most magnificent part is that in this recognition I can see that I no longer self identify with these songs, with these lyrics. Many of the songs I still like, of course! But it’s changed somehow. Now I hear them with more of an artistic appreciation, an appreciation for the creative power that comes from an artist as s/he works to portray a sentiment, works to touch a place inside a stranger that resonates with deep connection.

But there is one artist whose longing still draws me in, whose words and voice drive me into a frenzy of need. When I’m lost in his words, I am lost in the longing. And I have no shame around it, no feeling of being small, needy or pathetic. With each syllable, as cliche as it might sound, there is pure bliss and joy in my ache.

I thought a lot today about why Ben Harper’s music is different for me. Why do I still self identify with the longing I feel in his music? And why doesn’t it bother me? Because to me Ben Harper’s music isn’t just longing, it’s divine longing. I of course cannot project onto his creative process the things that I feel about it, but for me, many of his songs have deep and double meanings. Just as I’ve felt a sense from Lady Day that her songs are not just written to lovers, but to her addiction as well, I’ve always felt like he’s writing to more than just his beloved when he speaks of love, but that he is writing to God as well, and in search of divine love. This, I of course realize, is not a great leap by any means since many of his songs are spiritual in nature. I hear his music and yes, I long to love another human in that way, but deeper than that, I long for God’s presence in my life; to have a knowledge of God that spans beyond a solitary plane of knowing, a knowledge that surrounds and invades my entire space and being.

I don’t know that I’ll ever tire of this search. For me it feels like one of life’s most beautiful quests. And not only do I long for knowledge and love of God, I sometimes find myself longing for my search to never end, so that I might rise every morning with the joyful wonder: “Is today the day that my heart is overcome with joy as I stumble across the path of my beloved.?” This search, this longing, this love, is what keeps me enamored with the beauty of the natural world around me, why I give thanks every morning for a drop of dew on a blade of grass, a gentle winter breeze that blows an Autumn leaf to the ground.

No answers yet, still just considerations. But what I know for myself is that the way I feel about God is the way I feel love can be between a man and a woman- divine.

“While I’m writing, I’m far away;

and when I come back, I’ve gone.

I would like to know if others

go through the same things that I do,

have as many selves as I have,

and see themselves similarly;

and when I’ve exhausted this problem,

I’m going to study so hard

that when I explain myself,

I’ll be talking geography.”

After one read, I knew it had touched me. After the second, I knew where. And after reading it the third time I just wanted to scream out, “Yes!! Yes, I feel just like that when I write!” I consider myself a poet. Nowhere near the caliber of Neruda, or any other famous or published poet, but a poet none the less. And when I write, there I go. And I become a different me, accessing a self that I don’t wear on my sleeve, or sometimes anywhere outside of ‘in the depths of my heart’. And that self isn’t always the same ‘other me’ either. It’s not like I have an alter-persona that I write as. That ‘other me’, she changes. There are so many other me’s that sometimes I feel schizophrenic. Sometimes I feel crazy to believe one thing, and it’s exact opposite… truly. But most of the time I feel free as a bird to be open to all my sides, and to be dwelling with such a range of being. And I feel blessed that so many pieces of that range feel they have a space to express themselves without fear or judgement.

“I miss you.”

“I know.”

“I’m mad you left us.”

“I know.”

“I’m sad you’re gone.”

“I know.”

“My boys need you.”

“I know.”

“Can you come back?”

“No.” And I can feel him hang his head.

Tears slip from my closed eyes and as I open them is see purple leaves, blowing with the breeze, in front of me.

And then I remember the first time I went back home. Oh my goodness! What joy! What jelly on toast! What warm towel direct from the dryer! What home cooked dinner heaven! It’s the simple things you enjoy the first times you go back home for a visit. But over the last 15 years I’ve discovered the real meaning of what it means to go home. It comes to me in bits and pieces, as I inhale a rose with all the depth my breathe can muster and feel the comfort that resonates in the center of my chest as I recall how my mom kept roses planted outside my bedroom window all those years; as I remember how easily my dad allowed me to sleep on his bicep when I was a girl, yet discover just how uncomfortable it really is when my sons do the same.

Home is a sanctuary. It’s my safe space. It’s my warmth and comfort. The place I go to at the end of the day to decompress. The place where I can kick of my shoes, strip off my pants and parade around in my knee-highs without a thought of how silly I probably look. Where I can air drum to my heart’s content with the most pathetically ridiculous rock star looks on my face and not need to care about it in the slightest. A place without judgment. A place to laugh, cry and rage with the knowing that the walls will hold my secrets if I ask. And home is the place where family lives and breathes with me, where we share common history and common bonds and love each other unconditionally through anything. I remember actually hating my brother in high school, and yet still having understanding enough to recognize that his hideousness would be over in 4 years and I’d love him again one day.

More than 10 years ago an old friend said something to me about relationships. He said, “Your partner should be home for you.” I will never ever forget this. I’ve tried to write the song so many times. And I’ve watched and waited for it continuously ever since. That place of non-judgment, that place of comfort, that place where I can unload, decompress, do my personal work and growth, and know that the loving is unconditional

Even in the midst of the wonderful butterflies of excitement and newness, that feeling- the familiarity of home- must exist.

Years ago, when I first start investigating the Baha’i faith I often found myself saying, “If I believed in God…”  “If I believed in God, this is how I would find him, independent investigation of truth.”  “If I believed in God, this is how I would know him, with no intermediary.”  I said it so many times that one day while walking down Market Street, staring at the red bricks pass below my feet I realized, I do believe in God. “Just admit it Wendy, you do believe in God.”

Now in the Baha’i faith we are given guidance about prayer. The type of prayer that is more than just ‘saying a prayer’, but how to really listen for an answer when we find ourselves with a problem, a question, anything that becomes stuck in our earthly selves.  To summarize: pray, meditate on it, and when an answer pops into your head, act on it.  Many pray. Some continue to meditate on it.  A few remain long enough for the answer to pop in their head, and fewer still have the sight to recognize it as such. But rarely do we act on it, act as if the prayer had been answered already.

For many years I had studied different faiths. The comparing and contrasting of them had been my meditation. The “If I believed in God” was the answer to my prayer, but I failed to recognize that and therefore failed to act. Until that day in San Francisco when God kindly slipped up through those bricks, between my thoughts, tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “Act as if you believe in Me, and your prayer has already been answered.”

That was more than seven years ago, and this revelation is only just coming to me now. No one said I was a quick study. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are never the same person you were seven years ago, since physiologically every cell in my body has died and completely regenerated itself. On a molecular level, I am a completely different person than I was that day in the sun.

And now here I am, for more than a year now, praying every night for detachment- detachment from my earthly desires.  Not the animalistic desires you see, because those I tend to relish in just for the fun of it, but from the desire of wanting the few promising men who cross my path to possibly be “the one”.  And these last few weeks, molecularly regenerated, this prayer has slowly changed. You see I don’t want God to mistake my desire for detachment as a desire to be detached from a man indefinitely. So I’ve reframed the request. Now instead of asking for detachment from my desires, I acknowledge the desire that I want to meet my person…soon.

And here is where the ah-ha moment occurs, at midnight, when I have two sons to wake up early and no business drinking that caffeinated cup of tea at 11 pm.  I say, “God, I am so thankful for all that I have and I know that there are those out there who would give whatever they have to be where I am, but still I have a small selfish request that I have been holding back on for some time now. I ask that you please put that person that I am supposed to meet, on my path…soon. And I may have already met him, so I ask that you give my soul the eyes to see him, and my mind the strength to wade through the crap that is my earthly self, a self that hinders my recognition of him for fear of rejection, nervousness and…well basically that high school girl that sometimes resides within me.”

Tonight as I reminisce on my “If I believed in God” days, I realize that a piece of those days is upon me again. I have been saying it out loud, to lots of different people, for many weeks now…“And I may have already met him…” And now to act as if that prayer had already been answered…

It’s like a love affair. Unlike any I’ve ever experienced.  Instead of passion and fireworks in the beginning that eventually fizzle out, we begin as friends. Just feeling each other out. Asking questions. Answering. Openly. Honestly. For years.

It’s like a love affair. And intimacy occurs. Divine intimacy. Pilgrimage. And my soul realizes its every breath is a beat of God’s heart.  My life realizes its every moment is a piece of God’s plan. Amazing. Each day as I open my heart up and give a little more love to God, my heart opens even further to the love God gives back. And so it continues. In a cycle of never ending giving. Never ending growing.

It’s like a love affair. I fall deeper in love each day. Truly. Growing happier amidst all life’s stresses. Each day. Growing. Giving. Loving.

“…dying to the self, that the radiance of the living God may then shine forth.”

It’s like a love affair. Except this time I let God pick, which is to say I know my self. I recognize my soul. And I move out of its way to recognize its mate. We vibrate together even now. Conversing on the spiritual plane daily, though we don’t yet recognize each other’s physical bodies.

It’s like a love affair. Unlike any I’ve ever experienced. And when we meet, we begin as friends. Just feeling each other out. Asking questions. Answering. Openly. Honestly.

And like a love affair, intimacy occurs, with divine intimacy.  Marriage. And the more love I give, the more my heart opens to receive love. A cycle of never ending giving. Never ending growing.

And like a love affair, I fall deeper in love each day. Truly. Growing happier amidst life’s stresses. Each day. Growing. Giving. Loving. Like a love affair.